Spoken Word Poetry: The curse of not choosing you

You haunt me not only in my dreams

But your shadow follows me even on the newly released songs of a band I just heard the name for the first time

No

Even on the songs of my favorite band I knew since high school

I

Can't 

Unheard

You

In

Them

The meaningless now shouts in my face saying look at me

That even the phrases I read in the novel I hold in my hands remind me of you

No

Even on the memes I see on the internet undoubtedly scream your wholeness

I

Can't

Unseen

You

In

Them

Not only I am haunted by the life that could have been with you

But that every time I cry, your image will always follow as if you are comforting my brokenness

No

Even when I'm in my happiest I think of you and hoping you too are in your joyous state

I

Can't

Help

But

Pray

For

You

You made me question my sanity yet now I know what I can be capable of

That I sometimes stay away from books, music, and arts for they only gravitate me more to the thoughts of you

No

Even when I am alone and sitting with silence, you will be the whispers I can't run from

I

Can't

Untie

Your

Being

From

Me

This is the curse of not choosing you

No

This is the gift of knowing you because part of me is so grateful

That

I

Can

Always

And

Forever

Write

About

You

Always Linger

"I looked for you in every timeline..."

You said.

"...and i will always look and search for you." 

You continued. 

Little did you know,

I look for you in every song,

In every sentence of the books I read,

In the letters hidden on the internet

And maybe, I'll talk to one of the androids in the future

Ask them if they know me or what do they know about me

Because somehow, I'm sure that you were behind them

I know your deep love will always linger

And I hope, I hope that it will always bring me closer to you

To finally unmasked the face I long to draw in my sketchbook

Or to feel your hands caressing mine,

Until then, I will always look for the man I called Ethereal...

...who has walked on every timeline sending his love for me.

That's the Truth I Don't Like To Admit

There's this truth I don't like to admit

because admitting it wouldn't stop the story

because it will reveal how villain I can be

But since you have shared something truthful

allow me too to unfold the load I carry

for once, let me be the villain I am, not the damsel in distress

 Truth is, I don't want you to move on from me,

I want you to remember me when you look at the moon

I want to be the name you scream out on top of a mount

I want you to curse the night you let go of me

and cry a river for the things you haven't said in my face 

I hope you never heal no matter how many letters and poems you write in my memory

That's how villain I can be

wanting we'd have the same pain

for turning our back to a love so great

Darling, please accept my apology 

for being a villain you wouldn't thought I could be

and perhaps, I have gave you enough reason to despise me

That's the truth I don't like to admit 

And in spite of it all

I hope when you hear my name

it'll make your heart leap

as you try to stop yourself from smiling

because somewhere out there 

is the love you found so rare

Where

I would know where you are in a room full of people, 

That's how certain I am with how I deeply know you

So, now, I hope you know why I felt offended, 

That time when I was standing right in front of you

and you asked me, "Where would I find my soulmate?"

Isn't It Weird

Isn't it weird

how I put on repeat

all the songs that made me think of you, 

how I highlight every line

of the books that deciphers what I feel about you

how I create scenarios

in my head where you and I talk nonsense

how I put small details of us

in the stories I write that no one reads

Isn't it weird

how you mean this so much to me

yet cannot give you the love this world demands

how I knew I found something rare

yet being okay just knowing you are happy somewhere

how I felt the depth of your love

yet I named it something else, greater and beyond

how I shattered when I see you with someone else

yet knowing that's it's the price I pay for the choice I made

Isn't it weird? 

That Love

I told a story that perhaps confused you, 

It made you question your worth

Because the story I told is not fitting with yours

The story said the damsel learned how to fight

Alongside with the love that showed her to step

The love that have strengthen her as she walks

It said that perhaps that is the reason why,

Why we simply can't tear them apart

It confused you, because you were there too

You said, "just as when her world is colliding

it's not just 'that love' that is helping her survive, 

I am there too fighting the battles for her"

She knows it and she feels it, 

That perhaps is the curse of the depthness of your love 

It confused her too, how the reality can take a hold of it.

Of Books and Nightmares

There are books that give me nightmares 

The ones I read the pages as if I'm enchanting devils

And everytime he sees me, devastated with the words

He knew he had to ask the question

Why do you still read something that could destroy you?

A song answered, "another version of me I was in it" 

I grin, and perhaps made the enchanted devils shiver

I answered him, to remind me that I'm still human

That I still feel things that perhaps angels wouldn't 

So ask me again, why do I read something that could destroy me

To know that aside from love, I can still feel fear,

That aside from joy, I can know where sadness is from

That I can ask brokenheartedly, why there is such suffering?

To face the devil and have the audacity to grin bigger than him

Outside the Comfort

You only love me in your comfort

outside it,

you left me wondering if I'm hard to love

That, perhaps,

is the greatest betrayal of your love, 

making me question its existence

Because, my love, 

if your love for me is real, 

why is it not felt outside your comfort?

Gaano | How Deep

Gaano

Naiinis ako sa tuwing maririnig kong nanghihinayang ka

Na para bang ginawa mo ang lahat para ako'y manatili

Na para bang narinig ko kung gaano mo ko iniibig

Isa lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit siya at hindi ikaw

Sa mga pagkakataong nakita mong dapat tumigil

Sumuong siya at siniguradong payapa ako sa kanyang bisig

Nung napawari ka sa mga demonyong iyong namasid

Lalo niya akong niyakap at itinaboy silang palayo sa akin

Habang ikaw ay natutulala, patuloy siyang humahakbang

Sa iyong pagsambit ng mga panalangin para sa akin, 

Siya ang naging tugon, mga pagdinig sa 'yong mga dalangin

Ngayon, napagtanto mo na ba ang iisang dahilan kung bakit siya?

Giliw, hindi ka naman kumilos para ako'y makamtan,

Nakakabingi ang pagmamahal niya, habang ang sa'yo'y,

Di ko alam kung nagawa bang marinig kahit ng malamyang hangin

Kaya nakakainis sa tuwing maririnig kong nanghihinayang ka

Ano bang ginawa mo para ako'y manatili?

Lubos ko siyang minamahal, huli na para sabihin mo kung gaano ang sa'yo

How Deep

I find it funny hearing how much you're regretting now

That as if you've done everything to make me stay

That as if I've heard how deep your love is for me

If you look at it, there's only one reason why him, not you

In circumstances that you foresee as a halt

He bravely kept going to secure my peace

When you got distracted by the demons you saw lingering, 

He held me tighter and chased them all away

While you are left wondering, he is taking actions

You utter prayers for my whole being, 

He is the answer to your prayers for me

Now, do you get to see the only reason why him? 

Oh you funny thing, you did not pursue me at all

His love is expressed so loud and in echoing sounds, while yours,

Is perhaps, not even heard by the soft breeze

That's why I find it funny hearing you regret it

Did you at least try to make me stay? 

I've grown deeply in love with him, it's too late to let me know how deep is yours

A story I'll never tell

I wanted to tell you 

To find me again

10 years from now

Or in another timeline

Or in another universe

And offer me again 

The love I undoubtedly turned down

But no,

I would ask of you instead

To find her again

The love that saved you from me

The love that chose you

And this time

Let your whole being be sure that she's the one,

Who deserves the pure love you once offered me

Always Trilogy

"You are my muse and will always be."

You had the courage to tell it to my face

I asked, what did I do? 

You said, I existed and you read too many romance novels.

I would laugh out loud hearing this from you,

But, instead, I stayed quiet.

How would I respond to a blatant truth?

It was you who spoke again and smirked, "I know..."

"...but you are my muse and will always be."

And then, you walked away.

-------

"And you are my Ethereal and will always be."

I said as I watched you walked away and fade

I know, I didn't say it loud enough for you to hear

And perhaps, you'll never ever know...

Or perhaps, you already knew about it,

Because, after all, you are my Ethereal and will always be.

--------

You will always end up falling in love with me

 I tried everything I can that could alter it

Sometimes, I managed to prolong the pause between the fall

But most of the time, in every timeline, every universe...

...you just fell for me carelessly

I always ask you why, so I could understand,

And you always answer because it is I

And, perhaps, I've been asking the wrong person whys,

Because if one looks at the bigger picture...

...Lovely, it is I, and always I,

So, this time, I have decided to ask myself why,

Because I exist, obviously that's the answer,

Science and logic don't need to do the explaining,

Besides, mysteries should be left untouched apparently,

Because, eventually, no matter where we both are,

I will always take the path that leads to you...

...unconsciously and unknowingly.

How Will We Heal

I couldn't let myself hurt you over and over again

But every time I tried to walk away

A part of me knows your bleeding will never mend.

So, I stayed.

But, tell me, how will you heal?

If you keep holding on the knife that cuts you deep?

Please, lovely, have the strength to save yourself from me...

...Or at least freed me from this agony of causing you so much hurt.

I am your Support

 May you never misinterpret the support I freely give

Because darling, I am not a leverage to your success,

nor one of the stepping stones to reach your goals.

I am your support towards victory.

And if you do not have the wisdom to know the difference,

don't you dare have the audacity to stay

Leave me alone and never come back at all.

Warrior's Damsel

You knew what I have become,

that I'm tired being the damsel in distress,

that I've learned to fight like a warrior too, 

that I'm ready to bleed in the battle.

I have known what you are capable of, 

just to protect me at all cost, 

just to express the deepness of your love,

just to give me a beautiful life.

We were built for war and peace, 

the paradox of our realities,

or the reality of our paradoxes, 

the hurt among the comforts.

But please bear this in mind,

You, brave one, can also cling on me,

I, too, will do everything to protect you,

We can survive, for I will, bleed for you too.

Ethereal

I heard you cry and beg for my life, 

like it was something so precious and fine. 

I've felt the pureness of your desperation, 

a plead that reached my soul and became one with yours. 

And perhaps, you made Heaven glance at you and I,

because everytime I'm supposed to leave this life,

your prayers resurrect me before I even die.

And for that, perhaps, you will always be my Ethereal,

A love that expands to the realm of heaven and beyond,

something I could not grasp yet remains realest of all,

a heart that sees the impure so precious and fine,

that I am worth saving all the time.

But, you, my Ethereal, will always be,

always, the one precious and fine.

Stayed and Waited

If you're going to ask me what kept me going

or how I survived the chaos I've faced,

It's because someone told me:

"Just stay where you are,

I'll come for you,

I'll be there."

And that's all I did,

Stayed and waited,

and if you are wondering if he arrived:

he did,

he always does,

and always will.

When I Turn To Look Around

You have never failed to make me feel how much you love me

But dear, when I turn to look around this place only reminds me: 

of the bruises and pain long forgotten

of the joy and happiness I can only look back to

of the nostalgic presence of a home that cradled me

It's so familiar and feels like home,

that I have memorized every corner, every hole

And dear, it only made one thing for sure,

That the thought of us needs letting go

For being with you exist only in the past,

Familiar and nostalgia but I cannot grasp from where I stand

Between Or

I have been asked:
If you are torn between the two,
Tell me what would you choose
To love what you do or do what you love?

If you have asked me this decade ago,
I'd say it's futile to choose the first,
But perhaps I have become wiser now
And so this is how I supposed to answer that:

Love what you do then do what you love.
Polish those shoes then paint on the canvass you bought
Wait tables on weekdays then on weekends be the skater that you are
Be the rockstar, be the poet, be whoever you love to be

And if as of now, you can't yet do what you love,
Learn the art of finding joy in what you do,
Use it as a ladder that leads to your passion
Love what you do then do what you love.

But if you have asked me this decade from now,
Perhaps this is what I would say:
The goal is not to love what you do,
The goal is to do what you love.

And perhaps I'm wrong,
But I know, this one thing is for sure
To love what you do, you must do what you love,
In order to survive the cruelness of life,

Sweetheart, 
please save yourself
from a life 
that is so depressing.

Cuddle a Book

This weather calls for a cuddle.

But if you are married to a guy who reads,

You'd rather find yourself holding a book, too, instead,

As you secretly take a peek,

How long will it take him to caress you than the pages he picks?

Or perhaps, nevermind, because you too enjoy the words you read.

If he finds reading more enjoyable,

You, too, know that and understands.

And perhaps, that's the perk of him being married to a reader too.

Making love comes after they are both weary and tired reading books...

...or writing poems.

In the Middle of Day and Night

In the middle of day and night

I found you. 

Just when the darkness is slowly creeping in,

you showed up.

And as if you know what I'm going to need,

you did not hear me speak,

but you brought a torch to chase away the dark

--- to bring light in the darkest hour.

You said you were not the sun

but just like the moon

you'd be there in my darkest hour,

holding a torch in the dark

and My Love, I knew it now. 

And maybe I was wrong

that in the middle of that day and night, 

It was you... who found me.