Only Three Things

I know and I'm sure

There are only three things why I don't succumb

to the darkness lingering when I'm at my low

Your prayers;

His sweet voice caressing my soul;

And the Almighty who kept saving me

How can death snatch me from this life?

If you pray for me without ceasing 

You utter secret prayers and the Heaven listens

How can I stay so downcast?

If he's always ready to lift me up,

always putting myself first, ensuring I stay merry

And above all, how can I choose to end my story

If I have experienced His glorious saving

He kept saving, I can't have that kind of audacity

Please know and be sure

That I am beyond thankful

Let my life be the proof how I am grateful

LOL

You want to know something funny?

I heard your voice,

your thoughts,

your funny jokes, 

your admiration, 

It's funny because he's not you, 

You want to know what's even funnier?

That how on hell

he reflects you?

When he's just a written

character in the novel

It's funnier because perhaps I'm being delusional

You want to know what's the funniest of all?

That even him

is out of my reach,

that in this life

I can never have you nor him

It's the funniest because we already saw this on movie screen...

...yet we never dared change the story.

Spoken Word Poetry: WTF

I learned to curse

Oh, damn, it feels so good

How I found words

To express extreme feelings

That wow or oh my gosh

Cannot attribute

I learned the words

On how to express

The WTFs of our untold story

Every time you scream your truth

I whispered fuck for each, that no one hears

Always sounded more surprised as it should be

I cannot use the name of God in vain, 

So perhaps, cursing is closer to heaven, I think

But sometimes, I wonder, did God play His trick

Just laughing on how our story turned comedic

We shed our tears, but above, Somebody's laughing

Because how else will a Deity react to WTF?

I now know how to perfectly pronounce a curse,

Everytime I felt somebody's pain and hurt

Or learned something that is so inhumane

That as if uttering a curse now is a sacred tale,

That I only use when the world deserves a punishing

Say a pray, if you hear me crying justice should reign

And I cannot use the name of God in vain, 

So perhaps, cursing is closer to heaven, I think

But sometimes, I wonder, do God really love this world

Watching all the stories of darkness and evil

We cannot ignore so we shout curse, but above,

Somebody's keep reaching

Because how else will a Deity react

to a cursed that needs saving?

But, still, God, just to ask, 

but really, WTF?

I know

there is something more to that laugh

Bakit?

Sinabi mo nung una pa lang,

ako lang yung sayo'y naniwala,

Pero

paulit-ulit mo naman akong sinaktan at pinaluha, 

Bakit paulit-ulit mong sinaktan

yung nag-iisang taong sayo'y naniwala?

At sa dulo ng paulit-ulit na sakit,

ikaw ang maiiwang nagtatanong ng kung bakit,

Dahil sa pagitan ng paulit-ulit na sakit at pagluha,

ako 'yung tuluyang nawala.

End Then

Don't let me be the heaven you adore

and then turn me into an ordinary stone

Don't let me taste your sweet longings

and then serve me sour stare after the storm

Please,

at least save me from that kind of wrecking

Don't passionately call my name,

and then choose to forget who I am

Perhaps, Delusional

Sometimes, I hate how haunted I am by you

There's a poem of your love confessing straight to my face

But no,

the poet's not you,

for the hundredth times, it's not you

Is this what they called delusional?

I swear,

you have carved your words even through the poets from hundred years ago

And I am haunted

Perhaps, 

Delusional,

Tell me

Or I will always believe,

that lie they put in my head,

That turns you and me to a beautiful tragic story

And perhaps, delusional is the heavenly path

The only choice to escape

that one tragic fate

Tell me

or

just leave me guessing 

how delusional I could be

Then we'll know 

which path is true heavenly

Tale from the Quiet Place

It was raining 

Early morning 

You took my hand

And led me to a quiet place,

That perhaps, artists would be so eager to paint

Your eyes were searching 

As if looking for a specific scent

I saw the longing in your gaze

But you weren't looking my way

Yet, my eyes were glued on you like always

You look so passionately in love 

Then I saw you smile

Blooming lips like the flowers around

But you weren't looking my way

Why would you bring me to a euphoric place

If you would not dare look my way?

The answer unfolds when I stopped looking at you

And looked upon where your eyes land their gaze

My eyes got blurry, it was raining, early morning,

You are not fond of the rain,

Not even a morning person you explicitly claim

But here you are looking so passionately in love 

Eyes glued to the woman he loves

Brought me to a place where he can see her smile 

Where I am less than an inch away

Yet you never dared look my way

How cruel you are or her who also brought a guy that loves her

4 Words

Somebody asked me about ethereal 

Is it a what? A who? A when? 

And what you know, may I ask

the reply I gave out?

I thought.

Paused.

It always gives the same answer.

The one that haunts me

The one that I long to reunite with

The one who never stops calling my name

The question was repeated,

perhaps with a frown, wondering why the long pause

I drank my coffee and opened my book,

"Too precious to share," my voice almost cracked

And I think the whole world finally understands

why even in nothingness I suddenly smile.

Minsan Palagi

kung minsan, 

naiinis ako sa mga ginagawa kong tula

hindi dahil kulang sa tugma

hindi dahil walang diwa at kaluluwa

hindi dahil sa hindi malawak na lathala

kundi palagi, 

may kasamang pag-ibig ang aking paglikha

na palaging may bitbit na katotohanan

na mga kataga'y maaaring sayo'y sumugat

na sa kabila n'on ay nagawa ko pa ring ilathala

kung minsan, 

naiinis ako sa mga ginagawa kong tula

dahil ikaw ang bumabasa

habang siya ang paksa

Spoken Word Poetry: The curse of not choosing you

You haunt me not only in my dreams

But your shadow follows me even on the newly released songs of a band I just heard the name for the first time

No

Even on the songs of my favorite band I knew since high school

I

Can't 

Unheard

You

The meaningless now shouts in my face saying look at me

That even the phrases I read in the novel I hold in my hands remind me of you

No

Even on the memes I see on the internet undoubtedly scream your wholeness

I

Can't

Unseen

You

Not only I am haunted by the life that could have been with you

But that every time I cry, your image will always follow as if you are comforting my brokenness

No

Even when I'm in my happiest I think of you and hoping you too are in your joyous state

I

Can't

Help

But

Pray

For

You

You made me question my sanity yet now I know what I can be capable of

That I sometimes stay away from books, music, and arts for they only gravitate me more to the thoughts of you

No

Even when I am alone and sitting with silence, you will be the whispers I can't run from

I

Can't

Untie

Your

Being

From

Me

This is the curse of not choosing you

No

This is the gift of knowing you because part of me is so grateful

That

I

Can

Always

And

Forever

Write

About

You

Always Linger

"I looked for you in every timeline..."

You said.

"...and i will always look and search for you." 

You continued. 

Little did you know,

I look for you in every song,

In every sentence of the books I read,

In the letters hidden on the internet

And maybe, I'll talk to one of the androids in the future

Ask them if they know me or what do they know about me

Because somehow, I'm sure that you were behind them

I know your deep love will always linger

And I hope, I hope that it will always bring me closer to you

To finally unmasked the face I long to draw in my sketchbook

Or to feel your hands caressing mine,

Until then, I will always look for the man I called Ethereal...

...who has walked on every timeline sending his love for me.

Nagmamahal ng Totoo

Mahal kita sa paraang 'di mauunawaan ng iba

Dahil sino nga ba ang magmamahal ng lubos

Pagkatapos ay hahayaan lang ito lumayo?

Sino nga ba ang nakatagpo ng hiwaga

Pagkatapos ay itatago lang sa mga tula?

Ngunit sadyang 'di ko maikakailang mahal nga kita

Dahil sino nga ba ang magmamahal na walang hinihintay na tugon?

Basta't alam na masagana at maligaya ka sa'yong mundo

Sapat nang mag-umapaw ang pagmamahal kahit 'di ito mahawakan

Dahil ang taong nagmamahal nang totoo

Hindi nakabatay sa pag-angkin ang lalim at rubdob

Na tila ba kahit kaya kang angkinin ay mas piniling manatiling malayo

Dahil hindi makasarili ang pag-ibig na totoo

Ngunit aaminin ko, may dalang kabigatan din ito

Dahil mas malalim masaktan ang taong nagmamahal ng totoo

---hindi pangkaraniwan pero lubos at totoo.

That's the Truth I Don't Like To Admit

There's this truth I don't like to admit

because admitting it wouldn't stop the story

because it will reveal how villain I can be

But since you have shared something truthful

allow me too to unfold the load I carry

for once, let me be the villain I am, not the damsel in distress

 Truth is, I don't want you to move on from me,

I want you to remember me when you look at the moon

I want to be the name you scream out on top of a mount

I want you to curse the night you let go of me

and cry a river for the things you haven't said in my face 

I hope you never heal no matter how many letters and poems you write in my memory

That's how villain I can be

wanting we'd have the same pain

for turning our back to a love so great

Darling, please accept my apology 

for being a villain you wouldn't thought I could be

and perhaps, I have given you enough reason to despise me

That's the truth I don't like to admit 

And in spite of it all

I hope when you hear my name

it'll make your heart leap

as you try to stop yourself from smiling

because somewhere out there 

is the love you found so rare

Where

I would know where you are in a room full of people, 

That's how certain I am with how I deeply know you

So, now, I hope you know why I felt offended, 

That time when I was standing right in front of you

and you asked me, "Where would I find my soulmate?"

ikaw at ako

Sa likod ng katamikan, 

Sa likod ng saradong pinto, 

Nakatayo ako at naghihintay sa katok mo, 

Hindi ka umiimik o 'ni humihikbi,

Alam kong nakatayo ka, naghihintay sa 'king pagsilip,

Dahil 'di ko narinig ang 'yong yabag palayo sa 'kin

At kahit pareho tayong nagsara ng pinto, 

Pareho din naman tayong nag-aabang

Ako sa katok mo, ikaw sa pagsilip ko

Ngunit kung lubos nga nating kilala ang isa't isa,

Alam nating ito'y habang-buhay na paghihintay

Ngunit, alam din natin na wala pang isang segundo,

Tutugon ang ikaw at ako,

Ako, ang pagbukas sa katok mo, 

Ikaw, na sasalubong ng ngiti sa pagsilip ko,

Ngunit paano tutugon ang ikaw at ako

Kung walang katok mula sa'yo,

O kung walang pagsilip mula sa akin sa likod ng pinto?

Ngunit ang pinaka malaking tanong siguro,

Bakit pareho pa rin tayong nakatayo,

Sa pagitan nitong isinarado nating pinto?

At ang pinaka nagsusumigaw na sagot siguro, 

'Di dahil nag-aabang tayo ng pagkakataon tumugon,

Kundi, dahil nakatagpo tayo ng rason...

...sa pag-iral ng ikaw at ako

Panaginip

Dumadalas ang pagdalaw mo sa aking panaginip

At ngayon, mag-isa ka lang sa iyong pagdating

Mas lumalapit ka na din sa dating malawak na pagitan natin

At sa tuwing paggising ko, mapapatanong ako,

Tulad ngayon, walang mensahe mula sa'yo,

Ngunit sa aking kaarawan, tumambay ka sa panaginip ko

Imposible 'yun mangyari,

Alam ko kung gaano mo sinisuguro ang pagitan sa atin

Kaya marahil, at mas tamang isipin...

Hindi kaya ako na ang dumadako sa sariling panaginip mo?

Narinig mo, Ngunit hindi

Nung gabing sinabi mong ako'y iyong mahal

Tumawa lang ako, 

At marahil, nasaktan ko ang inipon mong lakas ng loob

Ngunit, muli, binasa mo akong mali

Dahil sa maiksing halakhak ko, 

Duon nakapaloob ang lahat ng aking emosyon

Narinig mo ang tinig na tumatawa

Ngunit hindi ang pusong nadudurog

O nagtatanong ng paano na?

Ngayon mo sabihin sa akin,

Paano mo iibigin nang walang hanggan

ang taong 'di mo naririnig pag siya'y walang imik?

Pangalawang Pinakamataas na Uri ng Pagmamahal Part 3

Alam mo bang may mga tanong akong alam kong ikaw lang ang makakasagot?

Alam ko.

Kaso madalas ang mga sagot mo, dinadaan mo pa sa bugtong. 

Ako ba yun? O ikaw?

Ewan ko sa'yo.

Marami tayong pagkakapareho, isa na siguro yun.

Alam mo bang sa dami ng pagkakapareho natin, mukang niyayapakan ko 'yung mga niyayapakan mo dati. 

Naku, 'wag. 

'Wag ka mag-alala, kagaya mo, nawawalan na din ng bisa ang kryptonite sa akin.

O e ano tayo niyan, superhero?

Siguro, pero mas bagay yun sa'yo. I've witnessed how good your heart is. Sa akin, hindi pwede, mas pipiliin ko ang tahimik na buhay, hindi ko aagawan ang Diyos sa trabaho Niya, kaya hindi ko pagaaksayahan iligtas ang mundo.

Alam kong sa kaya mong paraan, nakakapagligtas ka rin. Kilala din kita, kilalang-kilala at nakita ko 'yun.

Sus, kahit normal na tao, kaya 'yun gawin.

May gusto ka pa bang itanong?

Madami. Sobrang dami. Sabi ko nga niyayapakan ko yung mga niyayapakan mo dati. Para kong nasa maze na nangangapa, namumulot ng mapa sa daan na parang ikaw ang huling humawak. Lagi na lang may WTF na para bang di na ko nasanay. Gusto kita makausap... ng personal.

Sige, tara dito sa Toronto.

Huli na, wala na ko sa maze. Sa tulong ni Frank, para akong si Max sa I moved Your Cheese na nakawala sa maze.

So, wala ka nang tanong?

Gusto ko sana makakwentuhan ka sa bagay na 'tu na para lang tayong ngumunguya ng mani. Ang WTF di ba? I mean, alam kong may isang tao out there na makakakwentuhan ko sa parehong bagay na napagdaanan namin. Dalawang weirdo nag-uusap, parang ganun.

Niyaya kita sa Toronto.

I have Frank.

Ako ang may tanong.

Shoot it.

Bakit 'di ka naghintay?

The same reason why you chose your passion over me.

---

Don't worry. It's perfectly fine. I completely understand. Napakagandang rason 'yun para talikuran ang isang tao.

So, ito na 'yung closure natin?

Siguro. Pero gusto ko lang din sabihin na kahit kailan ata di ko magagawang magpaalam sa'yo. You are the only person I know out there na kapareho ko o parte ng mga misteryo ko. Nung time na una kitang nakilala dun sumirko-sirko ang mundo ko. Gusto kong idecipher kung bakit. Pero baka mapunta na naman ako sa lugar na di ko gusto. Isa pa, nung panahon na 'yun? May mga nasaktan ba ako o may mga naagrabyado dahil sa kaguluhan ng isip ko resulta ng mga maling pagiimbestiga? Kaya mo bang sagutin 'yun?

Huwag ka na bumalik dun. Tapos na ang pagiging imbestigador mo. Iba na ang career mo ngayon. Sabi mo nga, kagaya ng pagliligtas sa mundo, hindi mo trabaho 'yun.

Just at least let me know if I owe someone an apology. Do I owe you an apology?

---

Sige, sabihin mo na lang kung kailan ka handa. So, are you seeing someone? Nakita mo na ba ang mag-aalay sa'yo ng pangalawang pinakamataas na uri ng pagmamahal and vice versa?

Ikaw nakita mo na ba?

I'll be lying kung sasabihin kung wala kay Frank.

Then I'm happy for the both of you. Genuinely. I'll have a favor to ask for, though.

Sige lang.

I'll get married next week. Hindi na kita makakausap na ganun ka dalas.

A-ano ka ba, wag mo na pagandahin. Iwasan na kita. I know. I understand. Baka mamisinterpret yung friendship natin. Best wishes. Genuinely. Nauna pa kayo ikasal sa amin ni Frank.

Friendship? Hindi lang friendship 'tu para sa akin. Ikaw---ikaw ang pangalawang pinakamataas na uri ng pagmamahal ko, Sheriez. Now, I don't care kung hindi ako yung sa'yo, basta ikaw 'yung sa akin. Napakamanhid mo.

---

'Wag mo na 'yun alalahanin. Hindi ko naman sina-- O, e ba't tumatawa ka?

Papunta na tayo sa teleserye. 🤣 Anyway, hindi ako manhid. Nararamdaman ko lahat, napapansin ko lahat. Kaso, naaalala ko yung gabing 'yun, ayoko lang magkamali ulit o 'di ko mamalayang may masaktan. Kaya simula nun, unless marinig ko mismo sa tao ang totoo, wala akong ibang paniniwalaan kahit may napagtatagni sa isip ko, i-iisang tabi ko yun at ituturing na kathang-isip.

Ngayon, narinig mo na. Hindi na 'yun kathang isip.

---

Sige na, maliligo na ko. Ikamusta mo ko kay Frank.

Ito na ang huli kong tawag sa'yo, Rogel. Gusto kong irespeto ang magiging pagsasama niyo ng magiging asawa mo.

---

Hanggang sa muli, Rogel. Ingat.

---

-------

Takipsilim

Pinadalhan mo ko ng litrato ng takipsilim

Ngumiti ako at sinabing ang ganda nito

Nung sumunod na araw nabalitaan ko ang iyong kasal

Natawa ako, dahil huli na nung napagtanto ko

Mas madaling magpadala ng litrato ng takipsilim

Kaysa sabihing "paalam, may minamahal na kong iba, giliw"

Isn't It Weird

Isn't it weird

how I put on repeat

all the songs that made me think of you, 

how I highlight every line

of the books that deciphers what I feel about you

how I create scenarios

in my head where you and I talk nonsense

how I put small details of us

in the stories I write that no one reads

Isn't it weird

how you mean this so much to me

yet cannot give you the love this world demands

how I knew I found something rare

yet being okay just knowing you are happy somewhere

how I felt the depth of your love

yet I named it something else, greater and beyond

how I shattered when I see you with someone else

yet knowing that's it's the price I pay for the choice I made

Isn't it weird?